New Ceremonies for Spring 2019

I’m yet to work on a ceremony that doesn’t have love as its deepest theme. But it’s important to remember that there’s more to life than building connection and showing each other how we feel. In this spirit, I’m delighted to introduce a new range of ceremonies for spring 2019.

Consciously unshackled - a couple toast their wedding vow revision ceremony

Wedding Vow Revisions

A lot of couples want to mark a big anniversary or a special birthday with a vow renewal - an opportunity for long-married spouses to reaffirm their love and commitment to one another.

It’s not for everyone though. Maybe, with hindsight, you wish you could make a couple of adjustments to your wedding vows. Would you really have included the ‘in sickness and in health’ line if you’d thought it through? Of course not! You’ll be amazed at what a difference it makes to your marriage if you add a handful of ‘probably’s and ‘maybe’s to those demanding promises of fidelity and devotion. Little tweaks like replacing ‘above all others’ with ‘above most others’ can really take the pressure off.

Book a vow revision ceremony with me in 2019, and you’ll qualify for 50% off a divorce ceremony before the end of 2020.

The best thing to do with a new kitchen is to show it off

New Kitchen Blessings

When you’ve poured your heart, your soul and, most importantly, your money into your new kitchen design, you’ll doubtless want to show it off to friends and family. A New Kitchen Blessing ceremony is the perfect way to show your loved ones the fruits of your financial success and impeccable taste.

I’ll work with you to create a ceremony that tells the story of why you needed a new kitchen, the poor design choices you had to endure in your old kitchen, and the journey you’ve taken - dealing with salespeople, deliveries and construction workers - to finally owning a kitchen truly deserving of envy and resentment.

It's best to treat your printer with empathy and kindness, even if you want to kick it in the paper tray while screaming 'You've got one job! Only one job!'

Printer Healing Rituals

Has your relationship with your printer become tense and overwrought? How often does it actually print anything? A printer healing ritual is an intimate opportunity for you and your printer to reconnect at a spiritual level. While you offer your printer the gentle touch and words of affirmation and love it so deeply craves, I’ll use music, incense and aromatic oils to release negative energy from your printer’s pressure points (paper feed tray, ink cartridge alignment and USB connection).

There's always someone else to blame

Grudge Ceremonies

Forgiveness isn’t for everyone. If you want to give that chip on your shoulder a boost, why not work with a celebrant to air your grievances in public? Whether your anger is focused on one particular person - be it your boss, an ex-partner or a troublesome neighbour - or if you have a more generalized sense of injustice and entitlement that you’d like to express, I’ll work with you to create a bespoke ceremony that helps you focus your negative energy on blame, recriminations and self pity. Special discounts are available for straight, white, men.

First date ceremonies

You never know if even a casual after-work drink or a Tinder meet-up will be the start of something beautiful. While many so-called ‘relationship experts’ advise keeping first dates low-key, there is another way… Working with selected florists, musicians, photographers and videographers, I’ll come along on your first date and help to make it the unforgettable occasion it deserves to be.

We can work out what you want to say in advance so, if you get tongue-tied, I’ll step in to speak on your behalf. And when it comes to that awkward saying goodbye moment at the end of the evening, what better way to get that first kiss in than by having a friendly celebrant right there beside you saying ‘you may now kiss your date’? (Don’t worry, I’ll bring along a checklist of question and answers for you both, so we can check off those important consent issues in advance.)

I’ll be right beside you throughout your date - there to light candles or whisper blessings whenever there’s a lull in the conversation and I’ll also be taking notes of everything you say and do, so I’m ready to give your wedding guests an authentic eyewitness account when the happy day comes!

Inviting a celebrant along on your first date is a great way to show your date just how much they mean to you.

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